Monday, April 19, 2010

Fats Momino

In the mid-90’s, I had an unfortunate accident where my front teeth got smacked in. My dentist rushed into the office on the weekend, still in his soccer shorts (Hmm), to give me temporary falsies until he could embark on a year-long process of reconstructing my signature smile. I got my smile back, and he acquired more riches from working my mouth than should be legally allowed. But for a good two weeks after the accident I could eat nothing. I couldn’t even drink anything too lumpy. A number of well-meaning but inane people commented to me that the silver lining to this cloud of misfortune was that I would lose weight from not eating. Hah. I showed them. There was nothing that I could not puree, pour into my mouth, and gingerly swallow. And so that I would not feel sorry for myself, I would chase down servings of multi-food/vegetable soups with Calorie-Loadattas and Sugary Sweet Smoothies.

A few years ago, I read some inspiring books on Veganism. In addition to the gesture of humaneness toward animals, eggs, and brie cheesewheels, Veganism promises good health, an end to digestive disorders, and yes – the opportunity to lose weight. “Have you ever met a Fat Vegan?” the books ask? If I can gain weight with no teeth, let’s see what I can do eating only nuts, seeds, fruits, vegetables, grains, sugar (it IS vegan!), cocoa, and all manner of non-dairy fat substances.

To celebrate the cause, I present my family’s favorite vegan recipe:

Pumpkin “Cheese” Cake


12 oz. firm silken tofu, pureed
8 oz. nondairy cream cheese
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup granulated sugar
3 Tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1 prepared graham cracker crust

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Purée all the ingredients except the pie crust in a food processor and pour into the graham cracker crust. Bake at 350°F for 50 minutes. Allow to cool for 30 minutes, cover with plastic wrap or the top of the pie container.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Coffee "Carvel"

I first began drinking coffee at 14 because it was a calorie-free beverage. When I started smoking at 15, I discovered that coffee went extremely well with cigarettes. My mom taught me how to make “Coffee Carvel” which consisted of various artificial powders whipped up with gelatin and ice cubes. If the stars were correctly aligned, the result would be a fluffy, smooth coffee pudding. More often than not, it would be coffee jello, topped with desert sand. But in either case, it was the equivalent of “a skim milk” on the diet we were on. It fed a lot of our addictions – coffee, artificial sweetener, having something sweet, getting a calorie-bargain (two quarts-worth of the stuff is about the same calories as small piece of chocolate). All we had to do was sprinkle it with nicotine and we could have survived on the stuff for life. “Coffee Carvel” had me flatulating through my entire sophomore year in high school, but I didn’t mind. I managed to lose 43 pounds that year.

“Coffee Carvel”

1 packet non-flavored gelatin
½ cup hot water
1 teaspoon coffee powder
5 teaspoons skim milk powder
1 packet of artificial sweetener
6 ice cubes

Dissolve the gelatin completely in the hot water
Mix in coffee powder, skim milk powder, and artificial sweetener
In a blender,one by one, blend in ice cubes
Pour into 4 pudding cups and chill until set.

Counts as “1 milk”