Nattering Noodles of Negativity

After nearly 20 years of marriage, during which time we observed the Jewish holidays and raised my children in the Jewish religion, my husband David decided it was time he convert to Judaism. He enrolled in our synagogue’s adult B’nai Mitzvah program for two years of study, in partial fulfillment of his “requirements” for learning about the religion. Part of the learning involved fussing with the 17 women in his classroom over what to make for the celebration Kiddush luncheon after their b’nai mitzvah ceremony. Somehow it fell to David to coordinate the type and quantity of foods to be served.

“What? They picked you?” I asked. “It’s not that I’m sexist. But,…. But… you don’t eat that much. You don’t even like food, let alone Kiddush food.”

In my adult b’nai mitzvah class 3 years prior, there were 21 adults and 27 opinions on what to serve for lunch. How could David’s class delegate the whole task to him?
The next Sunday, I invited myself to his class during their mid-morning break to “help” organize the Kiddush. And there it was. A lot of young, skinny female classmates. No wonder. How different this was from my class, with all the doyennes of the congregation, all of them less young and dare-I-say, less “skinny.” I needed to intervene or there would be not nearly enough to feed the congregation.

“The class wants to make sure we have a lot of fresh fruit,” David offered.

“Sure they do. None of them eats.” I said. “I have an idea. I am going to start a tradition. I will ask the people from my class to help supplement your class’s Kiddush. Won’t that be nice? Our gift to you all will be to procure or prepare food.”

“No one will want to do that, “ David said. “I’ll just ask the office to order extra food.”

That, to me, was out of the question. I acted quickly, and in less than a week, 13 of the 21 people from my class committed to bringing or making something.

“You’re not going to fuss that weekend, are you?” David asked. He was facing a quadruple-whammy of fright: standing on the bimah, reciting Hebrew; hosting his mother; entertaining my family.

“I’ll make a few noodle kugels.”

“I hate noodle kugel,” David said.

“You can eat fruit with the ladies,” I retorted.

I decided that I would make 4 large savory noodle kugels and 4 sweet ones.
I bought 8 large aluminum pans the size of canoes and a supermarket-cart full of ingredients. Despite David’s protests, the savory noodle kugels were a huge hit.
As I had suspected, all the food (except for the fresh fruit) was gobbled up in about 15 minutes.

But, I now had a Jewish husband for the first time in my life. And that meant I would, at long last, have another opinion to work with.

Nattering Noodles of Negativity
7-8 ounces medium egg noodles
5 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 large onion, chopped
1 pound small mushrooms, quartered
salt and fresh ground black pepper, to taste
2 garlic cloves, minced
1-1/2 teaspoons paprika
2 large eggs, beaten

Cook noodles uncovered about 4 minutes or until nearly tender, but firmer than al dente; drain, rinse with cold water and drain well; transfer to large bowl.

Heat 4 tablespoons oil in large skillet.

Add onions and sauté over medium low heat about 12 minutes or until very tender.

Add mushrooms, seasonings and 1 teaspoon paprika; sauté about 12 minutes or until mushrooms are tender and onions are browned; if liquid remains in pan, cook over high heat, stirring, a few minutes until it evaporates; cool slightly.

Add eggs to noodles and mix well.

Stir in mushroom mixture; taste and adjust seasoning.

Oil a 2-quart baking dish and add noodle mixture. Sprinkle with remaining tablespoon oil, thus dust with remaining paprika.

Bake uncovered at 350°F for 1 hour or until set. Serve from the baking dish.

Eat while whining about something or other.

Fats Momino

In the mid-90’s, I had an unfortunate accident where my front teeth got smacked in. My dentist rushed into the office on the weekend, still in his soccer shorts (Hmm), to give me temporary falsies until he could embark on a year-long process of reconstructing my signature smile. I got my smile back, and he acquired more riches from working my mouth than should be legally allowed. But for a good two weeks after the accident I could eat nothing. I couldn’t even drink anything too lumpy. A number of well-meaning but inane people commented to me that the silver lining to this cloud of misfortune was that I would lose weight from not eating. Hah. I showed them. There was nothing that I could not puree, pour into my mouth, and gingerly swallow. And so that I would not feel sorry for myself, I would chase down servings of multi-food/vegetable soups with Calorie-Loadattas and Sugary Sweet Smoothies.

A few years ago, I read some inspiring books on Veganism. In addition to the gesture of humaneness toward animals, eggs, and brie cheesewheels, Veganism promises good health, an end to digestive disorders, and yes – the opportunity to lose weight. “Have you ever met a Fat Vegan?” the books ask? If I can gain weight with no teeth, let’s see what I can do eating only nuts, seeds, fruits, vegetables, grains, sugar (it IS vegan!), cocoa, and all manner of non-dairy fat substances.

To celebrate the cause, I present my family’s favorite vegan recipe:

Pumpkin “Cheese” Cake

12 oz. firm silken tofu, pureed
8 oz. nondairy cream cheese
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 cup granulated sugar
3 Tbsp. flour
1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1 prepared graham cracker crust

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Purée all the ingredients except the pie crust in a food processor and pour into the graham cracker crust. Bake at 350°F for 50 minutes. Allow to cool for 30 minutes, cover with plastic wrap or the top of the pie container.

Coffee "Carvel"

I first began drinking coffee at 14 because it was a calorie-free beverage. When I started smoking at 15, I discovered that coffee went extremely well with cigarettes. My mom taught me how to make “Coffee Carvel” which consisted of various artificial powders whipped up with gelatin and ice cubes. If the stars were correctly aligned, the result would be a fluffy, smooth coffee pudding. More often than not, it would be coffee jello, topped with desert sand. But in either case, it was the equivalent of “a skim milk” on the diet we were on. It fed a lot of our addictions – coffee, artificial sweetener, having something sweet, getting a calorie-bargain (two quarts-worth of the stuff is about the same calories as small piece of chocolate). All we had to do was sprinkle it with nicotine and we could have survived on the stuff for life. “Coffee Carvel” had me flatulating through my entire sophomore year in high school, but I didn’t mind. I managed to lose 43 pounds that year.

“Coffee Carvel”

1 packet non-flavored gelatin
½ cup hot water
1 teaspoon coffee powder
5 teaspoons skim milk powder
1 packet of artificial sweetener
6 ice cubes

Dissolve the gelatin completely in the hot water
Mix in coffee powder, skim milk powder, and artificial sweetener
In a blender,one by one, blend in ice cubes
Pour into 4 pudding cups and chill until set.

Counts as “1 milk”